When We Disappear Read online

  When We Disappear

  a novel by

  Lise Haines

  Unbridled Books

  This is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are either the

  product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance

  to actual persons living or dead, business establishments, events,

  or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Unbridled Books

  Copyright © 2018 by Lise Haines

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Haines, Lise, author.

  Title: When we disappear / by Lise Haines.

  Description: Lakewood, CO : Unbridled Books, [2018] |

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017038279 (print) | LCCN 2017042748 (ebook) | ISBN

  9781609531485 () | ISBN 9781609531478 (trade pbk. edition : alk. paper)

  Classification: LCC PS3608.A545 (ebook) | LCC PS3608.A545 W48 2018 (print) |

  DDC 813/.6--dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017038279

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  Book Design by SH – CV

  First Printing

  One should really use the camera as though tomorrow

  you’d be stricken blind. To live a visual life is an

  enormous undertaking, practically unattainable. I have

  only touched it, just touched it.

  Dorothea Lange

  You have wakened not out of sleep, but into a prior

  dream, and that dream lies within another, and so on, to

  infinity, which is the number of grains of sand.

  Jorge Luis Borges

  In memory of

  Norton Kay

  My father, my friend,

  my heart, my guide

  Mona

  He shut off our alarm clocks, loaded his car, eased the hand brake out, and backed down the drive without turning the engine over. Richard, my father, was probably in Indiana by now. He had tossed his house keys on the counter as if he wouldn’t be back. An envelope was propped on the kitchen table with a letter written to Liz, my mother.

  “He didn’t wake you? To say goodbye?” I looked through the blinds to see for myself that his car was gone.

  His coffee cup stained the table, sugar sprinkled across it, wet spoon stuck back in the box.

  “No, I guess he …” She stopped when she opened the letter and began to read.

  Next to the envelope was a coffee-table book, National Monuments Across America, filled with glossy color prints of Yosemite, Bryce, the Giant Sequoias, Niagara Falls. There were several Ansel Adams’ black-and-whites. I used to pore over that book as if I were looking at shrines. We had talked about visiting monuments in one long vacation when I was young. He left the book open, weighing down the pages with our green carnival-glass salt and pepper shakers. Maybe that’s how he was able to leave, thinking he’d return before long and someone would take that trip with him. My mother and I looked at the photograph of a herd of bison running across both pages, from left to right up to the edge of the paper like the edge of a cliff.

  I tried to read the letter over her shoulder but she pulled it to her chest. Mom was in her mid-forties then, ran most days, drank little, never smoked. Now there were lines around her mouth I hadn’t noticed before. Her eyes appeared smaller, as if they had sunk into her skull overnight.

  The year was 2007. I was seventeen and Lola was three. Our plan had been to get up in time to see him off. She would have been fast asleep in Mom’s arms at that hour. No one slept as soundly as Lola. Mom would have said goodbye for Lola, swaying her from side to side on her hip. I would have stood there for my mother’s sake.

  My eyes began to water, and the bison looked smaller, more like lemmings.

  Folding the letter, she put it in the pocket of her robe. “He’ll call when he gets to New Jersey.”

  “You aren’t going to tell me what he said?” My voice began to strain, as if I had started running to catch up with his car.

  “He had a hard time saying goodbye.”

  “You’ll have to tell Lola.”

  “You aren’t breathing right,” she said.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Hold on.”

  We had a drawer stacked with lunch bags.

  When I was breathing in and out, filling and collapsing one of the bags, she said, “We’ll go to the Art Institute today. We have a month left on our membership.”

  This was her solution to most things: lose yourself in art. But I couldn’t afford to take off because my father had taken off. I was in high school, finishing the first semester of my senior year. I had three finals coming up.

  “We’ll show Lola the Thorne Rooms,” she went on, in her spirit of repair.

  Each of the museum’s miniature rooms was decorated in a different period and style from the thirteenth century to the 1930s, the furnishings on a one-inch to one-foot scale. Everything was perfect, yet no one lived in any of those rooms. Or from the other side, the curator’s side, everyone who peered inside was a giant and all of their imperfections showed. Mom had taken me there many times when I was Lola’s age.

  Once I was breathing normally, I said, “Maybe next weekend.”

  My mother held me and kissed my cheek. “Come upstairs if you need me.”

  Then she went off to turn on the shower in the master bath. Here she would break down. I walked in on her doing this once. She sat on the lid of the toilet, weeping under the sound of the shower, as if none of us would find out.

  While I listened to the water run upstairs, I wondered if things might have been different if I had woken early and found him at the kitchen table, pen in hand, about to sign his name to the bottom of that letter. Maybe he would have gotten past the sadness of leaving her to leave her the right way.

  Though I had stopped listening to his stories years ago, I would have listened to this one, even pulling a chair up to the table and turning off my phone. He would have started with a man taking off from the people he loved in difficult times, using great care in the way he invented this man, the look in his eyes, his rumpled clothes. Dad was an impeccable dresser then, so this last detail would have been his effort to set himself apart from the man he conjured. After a while Richard would have reached into his suit pocket to give me the handkerchief that was laundered and pressed for the road, trying to make me feel that things were going to be all right. This idea would have lingered in the light penetrating the blinds. But once he was gone, it would have dropped to the linoleum and left a mark as if a heavy jar had landed there.

  The thing I couldn’t say to my mother was this: Lola was too little to be left, and Mom wasn’t fragile exactly—I never saw her as someone who would crack—but she was unprepared. And I really had no idea what he expected me to do about any of this.

  I listened to the familiar thump in the pipes as the water was shut off upstairs. I went into my room. There I curled up and fell back to sleep, the only place where I knew how to cry openly.

  After he left, we began to move around the house like dogs trying to settle, each of us showing the tension. Yet Mom continued to make him sound like the mail carrier that comes through. “I don’t know a better man than your father,” she said too often. There was a feeling that stood behind or off to the side of those declarations, something about his departure I couldn’t name.

  Lola began to hide things under her bed. Popsicle molds, favorite toys and clothes, small boxes of cereal, light bulbs, cotton balls, and photographs of him. She clung to us in ways she hadn’t before. And Mom thought too much about the dangers that might befall us if we weren’t vigilant, now that we were living alone. She watched an endless string of safety demonstrations o
nline and wanted to reenact some of them with us. At least Lola was willing. I began sleepwalking again, and when I gravitated to the neighbors’ dry fountain next door where they found me curled up in my pajamas, Mom worried about me walking into the street, and she worried about me being out in the cold, and she worried about the upcoming summer when the fountain would be full. She got her drill bits out and installed chain locks high up on the front and back doors.

  I knew his going wasn’t only about a job in New Jersey. She made a point of telling me he sent money every two weeks without fail. Though she never broke this down, the money was never enough. Once a week she talked with him by phone. I was convinced they were pretending at something. Mostly she talked to him deep in her room, sometimes in her closet.

  When she emerged, Lola would get on. She could be very chatty, and Mom often helped her to say goodbye and let go of the receiver so Mom could budget and call next week. Once, Lola didn’t like this idea at all and pulled so fiercely to keep the phone, it sprang back and hit her in the forehead. Mom sat for a long time with her, holding ice against a swelling bump, whispering and rocking her, and telling Lola everything was going to be all right. I described the scene to Dad because Mom insisted I keep him on the line—until she realized this was only making Lola cry harder.

  Lola got phone shy after that, so he started sending her postcards. They came with pictures of fairgrounds or restaurants or caves—the kind of free cards advertisers give out where he found enough room to write around the pitch. Mom helped her start a scrapbook with the cancellation marks and smudged town names.

  One of his letters arrived from New Jersey. That was his way, to send letters in blue ink. He didn’t like the idea of email or texting. He laughed at social media, made stupid jokes about Skyping. I was about to throw the letter in Mom’s bill pile when I realized it was addressed to me. It took me two days to open it.

  Dear Mona,

  Do you remember when you were a little thing like Lola, and Mom gave you her old Brownie camera? You wouldn’t let anyone show you how to work it and before long there were dozens of black-and-white photos of shoes and ceilings and noses. She pulled a box down from her closet and searched around and handed you one particular picture she had taken and said, “I could show you how to put a ghost in a photograph.” Your first lesson was on double exposures.

  I’ve been thinking we’re all double exposures in a way, that there are things we sometimes miss in the layers. What am I trying to say? I know things haven’t been easy between us for some time. But I was wondering if we couldn’t get a fresh start. Maybe if we wrote once a week for a while and talked a little on paper I could get to know you better. I’ll begin with this letter and hope you drop me something, even a sentence. I know you’re busy.

  Next letter I’ll tell you a story about your Great Uncle Sorohan, who could see through the layers, right to the bottom of your soul and a couple of ticks further.

  Please take care of your mother and Lola, and know that I love you.

  Dad

  In my whole life I hadn’t taken a single double exposure.

  I went out behind the garage, where Mom kept her cleaned-out oil drums for scrap metal. I set a small fire in one of them. I opened a photo album I had started years ago. There was the picture where he was guiding me on my first two-wheeler, one at the beach in his swim trunks, one standing by a new car. I took them out of their sleeves one by one and dropped them into the fire and watched them bubble and curl at the edges.

  A few days later I learned that he hadn’t received his commissions at his new job. Mom increased her part-time phone sales—pushing her real work, her giant sculptures, off to the evenings, sometimes late into the night. She had only taken that job as a stopgap right before Dad left, while her résumés and applications circulated in a shrinking job market. Now that selling ad space was the big thing in her day, Lola and I weren’t supposed to pick up the landline. If she had to go out or use the bathroom during her shift, she called another salesperson by dialing a code into the phone. I recall one conversation in particular when Mom switched to speakerphone so she could fold laundry before starting dinner. She hugged Lola, who was lingering in her arms, and handed me the shoe-tying board so we could continue the lesson they had started between calls. Lola quickly pulled it out of my hands, saying, “I can do it myself.”

  “Okay, I think we’re all set. I’ll repeat the message,” Mom said after a while. She rolled a pair of Lola’s socks while she reviewed her notes. She had learned early on that if she got the message wrong, it came out of her pay. In a flat voice, at a good volume, she said, “Quote: We met in the best of times, you made it the worst of times. You’re a total witch, Debbie, and I hope you and your whole family go to hell. End quote. You want this to appear in Friday’s paper, in the Personal Regrets column in twelve-point type, inside a bold box, to run for six days. Wednesday will be the last day it will appear unless you call in on Tuesday by noon to extend the ad.”

  “I didn’t say witch. Who says witch?” The guy’s voice boomed out of the speaker. “That’s bitch, bitch. Bitch with a capital B.”

  My mother stood up, and a dozen pairs of neatly tucked socks left her lap and bounced and rolled across the floor. She signaled to cover Lola’s ears while she struggled to turn off the speakerphone. But Lola broke away and chased the socks, kicking them here and there as I pursued her.

  “The newspaper has a policy against—” Mom began.

  “Just tell me what it’s going to cost to get the fucking message I want in the paper.”

  Lola stopped, and her eyes got wide. She was alert to the tone or the word or both.

  “Even if you understood Dickens or the French Revolution or why they stormed the Bastille …” Mom began.

  The guy hung up. With intense jabs Mom punched in the code on her phone to signal for another customer service agent to pick up. Then she looked at me and said, “God help me,” and went off to the downstairs bathroom to soak her face with a hot, dripping washcloth over the sink.

  Mom introduced her latest safety demonstration when Lola was away at an overnight. I was watching The Giant Gila Monster on TV, getting ready to go out. Mom called me into the kitchen. She stood by the stove and handed me a box of wooden matches. She wanted me to start a stove fire so she could show me how to put one out.

  Glancing into the living room, where the TV was still lit up, she asked, “What are you watching?”

  “It’s about a big lizard that terrifies a town in Texas.”

  Mom began to say something, but maybe she thought better of it. She pulled a cast iron pan off its hook, got a high flame going, and when the pan was hot, she dropped a tablespoon of bacon grease into the center and then another. We watched the fat turn transparent with small bits of black in it. “Once the grease starts to smoke,” she said, “I’ll give you the signal.”

  “I have to finish getting ready,” I said.

  “If you’re alone with Lola, you need to know how to do this.”

  I had started to live more out of the house than in, so my mother liked to snag me whenever I landed. The thing was, I had made hundreds of meals for Lola. They were never complicated. Lola liked pasta, macaroni and cheese, apple slices, carrot sticks. Mom just wanted the world buttoned down because none of it was anymore. Sometimes it seemed easier to go along.

  Taking a match out of the box, I held the red tip against the striker.

  “Ready?” she said. She was in a heightened state now, apron sash tight, straight dark hair loose around her shoulders, her eyes large and bright. She put her hand on the paper sack on the table like an actor in a public service commercial. “In case you have to put a fire out while you’re cooking, it’s always good to have salt at the ready.”

  “Got it,” I said. My mother began to tug at the white string at the top of the sack. I saw that everyone was already at the sock hop and the Giant Gila Monster was headed their way.

  I didn’t see that the strin
g wouldn’t budge. She told me this later.

  I did, however, clearly hear my mother say, Now.

  She meant Now as in Now … if the bag won’t open, you might need to get a pair of scissors. But I was sure I heard the signal, so I lit the match and it left my hand and arced toward the pan at the same moment she turned away from the stove to look for those scissors, her hair flying out in a wide circle.

  I saw a blue flame surround her head like a crown of stars, and I heard her scream the same terrifying scream a wild peacock will make out in the dark. I had a great uncle who lived near wild peacocks, and as the fire danced along my mother’s head and I stood there paralyzed, I heard that exact sound leave her throat.

  In a sudden flood of safety memories, I knew to grab a jacket off the back of a chair and cover her head, holding it there until the fire was out, holding my mother until the flames were gone.

  We took a taxi to the hospital because she was afraid of the cost of the ambulance. I was the one who cried, apologizing in a soft whisper, thinking her ears had been burned. She seemed to be holding her breath while she patted my leg to quiet me.

  Once the examination was done, the ER doctor shut his eyes for a moment as if he were pulling up thoughts from a dark cave. He said my mother was a lucky woman. “You’ll have some scarring on the back of your scalp,” the doctor said, opening his eyes again and indicating places around her head while I held the hand mirror. “But much of your hair will grow back and more or less cover those places.”

  My mother flinched, and he said, “You might have been facing the stove,” as if he thought she would do this again.

  That’s when I realized how easy it is to burn the house to the ground with all the people in it because you’re trying so hard to prevent disaster.

  On the ride home she asked me not to tell my father, like we should be worried about protecting him.